Lifestyle Fashion

I wish I could forget the affair partner because memories are painful

Most of the people who come to me are those who were faithful and who are dealing with the infidelity of a spouse. However, from time to time, someone who was unfaithful will come forward because she is looking for help in her recovery. They often want to do things right, but are struggling with this.

Sometimes, they are not sure how to express their remorse. Other times, everything seems fine on the outside, but on the inside, they are falling apart because they still think about the other person involved. And this increases their feelings of guilt and is tearing them apart.

It can be described this way: “I had a three-month affair while my husband was away when his mother was about to die. We knew the end was near, but we didn’t think it would take that long.” He didn’t leave every day for all that time, but he went back and forth between two houses because he wanted to offer support to his father. I am so embarrassed that I cheated on my husband during the time that he was doing the right thing. Trying to get involved in two households and still work was very difficult for him, but he did it because he is a good person. It sounds selfish to say that I was very needy during this time, but it is the truth. However, I didn’t feel like I could go with my husband because he was already dealing with so much. So I contacted one of our neighbors and we ended up having an affair. When my husband found out, we ended up moving nearby. my husband’s father. And when I moved in, my husband knew that he wouldn’t see the other man every day. I understand why my husband wanted to move. And I want to save my marriage. I understand that my husband is the best man. And I don’t want to put my kids through a divorce. Deep down, I still love my husband. But I can’t stop thinking about the other man. He is in my thoughts all the time. I get mad at myself and try to push the thoughts away, but it really doesn’t do much good. One of my friends said that in time I will forget this and everything will be behind me. I can’t imagine that, because these thoughts take up so much of my emotional space. I don’t want them to, but that’s my reality. And he tears me up inside. I’ll think my husband and I might be making progress, but then I have these thoughts about the other guy. This makes me feel more distant from my husband. Emotionally, this is extremely difficult. When am I going to forget about the other man because these mixed feelings and guilt are tearing me apart?

I’m not sure I can tell you that you will ever completely “forget” the other man. Things that were once important to us are rarely completely “forgotten,” but they certainly lose their power over us over time. For example, when I was a child, I had a neighborhood bully who tormented me at school and on the bus. She lived to make my life amazing. When I was of school age, thoughts about this person were a big part of my thoughts. But today, I can honestly say that I haven’t thought about her in years.

Why? Because she is no longer a part of my life. I haven’t thought about her in years because she no longer has any impact on my life today. Now, if I visit the area where she used to live and pass by her house, then yes, I remember. And you might have some uncomfortable thoughts that last for a few minutes. But this can happen a couple of times over the years.

See what I mean? You will not forget the other person forever. It is unrealistic to think that you will suddenly have amnesia and never think about them again. But once you heal and recover, and once you allow time to do its thing, you’ll get to the point where some kind of trigger is needed to bring your thoughts back to that memory. And with work and self-knowledge, you can get to the point where the trigger is very rare.

Once your marriage heals and you do the necessary homework to turn your attention elsewhere, then the other man is no longer the center of your life and you have no reason to think about him. Right now, things are pretty fresh and the recovery process is just beginning.

As you progress through your recovery, you should naturally be able to distance yourself from your thoughts and will be much less likely to act on them. Naturally, you should put your attention less and less on the other man. Frankly, moving should help you with this.

I often hear from people who tell me that they can’t stop thinking about the other person because they never got “closure.” They tell me that once the matter was discovered, they had to shut everything down at once. This may be true, but I think the idea of ​​”closure” is something of a myth.

Every time something is fundamental in your life and it disappears, there is an adjustment period. And that’s true regardless of how it ended. You and the other man could have discussed this at length and said goodbye, and yet you would probably still feel that emptiness.

In my opinion and experience, the best way forward is to put your focus where it belongs: on your healing and your marriage. I know you can’t control your thoughts. But you can redirect yourself when those thoughts occur. You can come back to the present without reacting to those thoughts.

As you do this over and over again, you will find that you will naturally turn your attention to what is real and what is happening right now because you will have no reason to turn your attention to the past.

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