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single lies

Take a moment to consider virtually any word that is commonly prefixed with “a.” The condemnation conveyed by the combination of these two letters is inevitable. From unspoken disappointment to bitter disgust, the speaker feels superior when he utters a word “no.” Most “a” words get their meaning by referring to what they are not, and they are negative almost without exception. There are dozens of them: unhappy, old-fashioned, tomboyish, unsatisfying, unworthy, unsuccessful, unattractive, dissatisfied, unattractive…single. Coincidence? I doubt it!

Gender, race, and age are about the only characteristics that precede marital status in our identities, and none of them have a “no” form. A woman can be described as female, but not as “not masculine.” An African-American person may describe himself as black, but not as “not white.” An elderly person can be described as old, but not as “little young”. However, with marital status, married quickly and easily transforms into its opposite, single. While a person can be said to be single, once she marries, she does not become “not single.”

Clearly, married is the standard while single is the deviation, the failure, the problem. If you are unhappy, it goes without saying that you would rather be happy. If you are not healthy, do what you can to become healthy. If you are not married, of course you want to get married. However, any single woman knows very well that there is a double standard inherent in this belief.

For a straight man, being single usually makes him sought after, adulated and revered as if he were on the verge of extinction. He is intriguing and his single status is enticing, like a mystery waiting to be solved, a question begging for an answer. Who is the lucky girl? Many plausible explanations are offered for his single status. She hasn’t found her better half, so he is still searching for The One: Romeo, a hopeless romantic. He’s not ready to settle down: adventurous, sexually desirable, a true James Bond. He is a career man: ambitious, driven, the next Donald Trump. The bachelor mark could also be an “S” for Superman emblazoned on his chest because he perceives it to be that. He has his whole life ahead of him to find a bride in a sea of ​​ready, willing and eager women who are always hoping to find the proverbial needle in the haystack: the single, straight, emotionally available man.

For the single woman, however, the single mark is just the opposite, a scarlet letter “S” for spinster! Face it; describing himself as single, especially as he gets older, is like announcing that he has decided to join a leper colony. You know that look you get when he describes yourself as single. He starts off complimentary: a slight nod of the head with a questioning smile, as if to say “You’re a great catch, why are you still in the market?” However, in the absence of a satisfactory explanation, the look quickly transforms into a puzzled frown with pursed lips, clearly conveying “Wait a second, what’s wrong with you?” or, more likely, “Something must be wrong with you!” They try to figure out what that something could be – Lesbian? Frigid? Sterile? Abusive childhood? Depression? Drug addiction? I hate men? Feminist? Feminist who hates men? Promising? Lazy? The possible diagnoses are endless. As a single woman, you are mentally unhealthy, unbalanced, tomboyish, and unchaste.

The look then turns to one of pity once you offer an explanation (because, of course, you always offer one) and your interlocutor tries to comfort you with silly clichés of encouragement (“Don’t worry, there’s a lid for every pot! “) or to hook up with some male misfit (“May I introduce you to the cousin of so-and-so’s nephew’s stepson once who was plucked from a wasteland”). You often play this ridiculous game by saying “single” as an apology for not finishing, not cooperating, not being conventional.

Even unpatriotic and anti-American! The government has contributed to the stereotypes that continue to plague single women. Politicians unveiled strategies to address the surplus of single women throughout the 19th century, from shipping them to other states to literally selling them to other countries. In his pre-presidential heyday, Theodore Roosevelt accused single women of contributing to the demise of the Caucasian race by failing to produce healthy white babies while the immigrant population continued to multiply rapidly. Later, during the Depression Era, it was widely believed that jobs were for men only. Thus, the single working woman was seen as a wasteful, unprincipled job stealer, to say the least, rather than a resource.

Today, the government continues to actively promote proposals as public policy. Attempts to force marriage on the general population are commonplace. The Family Protection Act of 1981 sought to promote marriage and motherhood as viable career goals for young women, and the Welfare Reform Act of 1996 promoted marriage as the antidote to welfare dependency. The not-so-subliminal message is that marriage is normal and anything else is abnormal.

Speaking of history repeating itself! It’s not just you. You are not paranoid. The bottom line is that there is a historical basis for the unfair stigma associated with being a single woman. This brand places unfair, neglected and unrealistic expectations on you and then you are left to deal with it, unsupported, insecure, unwanted.

“Husband-Free” – is an affirmative alternative to “single” that is empowering and endearing. It does not mean that you are against marriage, men, love or romance. And that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t want those things. It’s about changing your mindset. It means that you recognize that your life has value and meaning, whether you are married or not. It’s time to step back and enjoy your life and everything you have to offer the world. Don’t fall into the trap of believing that being married is somehow better than being single, different yes… but not necessarily better. The grass is not greener on the other side of that white picket fence. And remember, you can take care of your own damn lawn. So the next time someone asks you if you’re “still single,” you can reply, “No, I’m not single…I don’t have a husband!”

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