the nipple effect; Breast obsession in relationships

Tall and slender, Melissa is the type of woman most people would turn heads for. Her eyes are expressive and full of life, and she seems to know how to use this beautiful and lively face and body to her advantage. Her friends adore her generous and sunny personality and often compliment her on the excellent job she has done to change her life. She is now aware of her inner beauty and works hard to preserve the gift of her outer attractiveness. She learned to love herself.

Melissa wasn’t so cheerful for most of her life; in fact, this newfound peace of mind has been eluding her for a long time.

Until ten years ago, Melissa suffered from a serious eating disorder. She was practically saved thanks to the tireless efforts of her mother, family members and her professional help (the family doctor and a therapist).
In her therapy sessions, Melissa learned about her own body image, her perfectionistic attitudes toward herself and others, her judgmental nature, and her need for control. The brave work paid off; Ella Melissa had conquered the disease and then took a hard look at what she considered a productive, creative and comfortable life.

Four years ago, Melissa became romantically involved with a young man whom she came to love and respect, she wanted to marry him. Steve was captivated by his beauty and personality, as well as his quality of life, his positive energy, his liveliness and yes, his culinary skills. They did not like spending time apart and decided to live together. Both were working on their respective careers and gradually building their love nest; a beautifully decorated home they loved coming back to.

On a Saturday night a couple of weeks ago, Melissa and Steve went dancing at the club where they met. They do it often and they are both good dancers. This time, however, a young woman was dancing alongside them. She was wearing a very short red top, which revealed firm abdominal muscles, her large breasts were accentuated by the low-cut design, and her nipples protruded through the red fabric. Steve seemed intrigued. The young woman looked back at him and smiled. When Melissa and Steve returned to their seats, he was still looking at the woman in the red blouse. Melissa noticed her fascination and felt that something inside her had just been triggered. She let him know how it made her feel. Steve kept saying (defensively) that he was just looking and that looking is not doing, acting, etc. Her words didn’t help her emotional state. If anything, those words made it worse.

Within a week, Melissa was back to her old eating disorder behavior. Her tendencies to starve and purge after eating were reviewed. She became obsessive with perfecting her environment, controlling, judging and feeling miserable. Melissa lost trust in Steve; projecting his not-good-enough state on him and she felt depressed. Melissa had backed away.

Let’s go back to that Saturday night at the club. Steve, at the club, was unaware of Melissa’s distress. He was reacting to the external stimulus; exposed breasts and nipples in close proximity to him, why? What’s wrong with that?

In my recent book Booby-Trapped, How to Feel Normal in a Breast-Obsessed World, there is a discussion (including historical research) that explores Steve’s take on this culture and how young men became so obsessed with female breasts, or to be more visually descriptive; ‘booby trap’. Steve is reacting to the woman in the red top just as he reacted to Melissa a few years earlier; with fascination, provocation, sexual attraction and intrigue. However, his obvious insensitive behavior at the club is an area that requires improvement. Steve belongs to this generation in which large breasts are considered one of the main criteria of attractiveness. It is a kind of code that we are teaching our young people. It is now a mental health hazard with many painful consequences. And it’s a familiar issue that is becoming more acute, like eating disorders.

Let’s go back to Melissa. She instinctively felt threatened by Steve’s reaction and recoiled in depression. Why such a strong reaction from Melissa? She has a great looking body, slim and sexy. She has big breasts too. Did I mention that Melissa had breast augmentation surgery as part of her quest for self-improvement?

Well, as you have already learned; Melissa is at least as “trapped” as Steve; that is, she is obsessed with the size and shape of female breasts. These emotions and preoccupation with body parts such as breasts often mask deep feelings of shame about femininity and self-worth. No wonder she feels threatened by the sight of large breasts intentionally displayed by another woman, drawing the attention of her man.

Melissa, like many women of her generation, had accepted the culture-induced ‘norm’ of large breasts for women.
What example will she set for her future children? How will she ‘she’ll deal with breastfeeding, motherhood, aging, life and other maturation processes?

Notice how it wasn’t her bare, firm stomach that triggered Melissa’s flashback, but rather her boyfriend envy, large dancing breasts, and noticeable nipples that started the domino effect.

What Melissa is about to learn is actually the message and tagline of the book Booby-Trapped, How to Feel Normal in a Breast-Obsessed World; http://www.boobytrapped.com

The size and shape are human tissues,
Shame and fear are human problems!