Codependency is based on false facts
Codependency is based on a lie. Its symptoms develop to deal with a deep but false and painful belief that “I am not worthy of love and respect.” In the chart on the left, the core symptoms of codependency are in red, but almost all of the symptoms revolve around shame, the shame that accompanies rejection. This entire system operates below our awareness, and until we know and feel it, we are caught in its clutches.
symptoms of codependency
The symptoms of codependency are caused by shame or are defenses to feeling shame. Most codependents grow up feeling ashamed of their true feelings, desires, and/or needs. As adults they deny them, devalue them and/or do not express them to avoid their shame. Some people cannot identify them at all and willingly put those of others first. This leads to anxiety, depression, obsessions, and addictive behavior. Later, they feel anger and resentment or hurt and carelessness. Especially during courtship, they accommodate and indulge in being loved by someone to avoid a breakup. Once married, there is often disappointment when the relationship feels lopsided.
Shame is a feeling that leads to self-defeating thoughts and negative self-evaluations, resulting in low self-esteem. Self-esteem is not so much a feeling, but how we think about ourselves. When we have toxic shame and make a mistake, whether real or imagined, our feelings of guilt are exaggerated and irrational. If we do not believe that we are worthy of love, we must control what we show to others. We do not communicate what we feel, nor do we express our needs and desires. Instead, we have hidden expectations and we manipulate, insinuate, or become passive-aggressive. We hide who we are. Authenticity is compromised and communication becomes dysfunctional. When we can’t be real, intimacy suffers. Initially, there may be a wonderful romance, but eventually the couples’ behavior turns into a ritual; the sharing and closeness that first brought them together happens less frequently, because they hide anything that might upset the status quo for fear of feeling rejected or judged.
Even so, shame-anxiety, the fear of being judged or rejected, haunts codependents. In order to cope and get what they need and want, they try to manipulate and control others. This becomes a necessity when we depend on someone to love us or just stay with us to feel good about ourselves or just to feel safe. Being alone for some people triggers feelings of shame, fear, and loneliness, while others manage well on their own but are very reactive or lost in relationships. This is your dependency. Your mood and happiness depend on someone else’s, and your self-esteem depends on acceptance by other people. Then they have to manage other people’s feelings and behavior. Pleasing people and giving are ways to do it, as are creating drama, threats, and lawsuits.
If our well-being and self-esteem depend on another person, it makes sense to think a lot about their motives, intentions, feelings and behavior in order to feel safe. This explains the codependents’ focus and obsession with their loved ones. Taking care of others is another form of control. If someone depends on me and needs me, he will not reject me or leave me. Also, if I am the one giving and helping someone else, then I don’t have to be vulnerable. My partner can be vulnerable, “Underdog”, while I can feel strong as “Top dog” and Underdog’s protector, helper or confidante. Such an unbalanced relationship breeds anger and resentment in both partners.
Many codependents are perfectionists. In your mind, they must be perfect, because the alternative is to “look bad” in some way or feel like a failure. Mistakes or flaws create great discomfort due to the shame that arises inside. They may feel anxious, angry, or driven to fix something, when in reality they are trying to fix their own internal, unconscious sense of inadequacy. They live with the “tyranny of duty” fueled by shame, anxiety and perfectionism. Making mistakes, being human, feeling ordinary, is not acceptable; these are experienced as shame.
recovery from codependency
Learning a new behavior, such as learning to be assertive, goes a long way toward increasing self-esteem and developing autonomy (rather than dependency). These steps can empower you and give you a greater sense of control and happiness in your life.
Changing the clothes of a lifetime is not easy or fast. It takes real courage and the support of an experienced therapist or sponsor in a 12-step group to do the work recommended in the Twelve Steps. However, for a lasting recovery, we must truly undo the lie that surrounds us. Confronting and healing the core problem of shame is required for lasting change and to prevent relapse into unhealthy relationships.
©DarleneLancer 2017