Is your daughter-in-law harassing you?
The issue of bullying is usually associated with children and adolescents. Children are bullied at school, in their neighborhoods, and through social media. It can be from people they know, or when it’s through social media, it can also be from people they’ve never met. When you are the recipient of such actions, it is an extremely painful, lonely, and helpless experience. Even adults can be bullied, sometimes by people in their own families.
For example, a daughter-in-law may bully her mother-in-law. For some of you this may be difficult to imagine, but for others, you know it very well. A daughter-in-law can bully by:
one.Avoiding your MIL contact with your child and grandchildren. This can be seen when the DDI decides that they (her husband, her children, and herself) will not include the MIL for holidays, Mother’s Day, special occasions, general visits, etc. Usually, she won’t say anything directly, but if pressed, she’ll have a reason why she’s doing it. Most of the time she communicates to her MIL through her husband (the son of the MIL), and the action of the DIL is based, most of the time, on something that she think the MIL did or said.
two.Refuse to have any contact with your MIL. If the MIL tries to call or contact their DIL, the DIL ignores the MIL’s attempts, leaving the MIL feeling completely helpless. The DIL seeks to change what she sees as a position of power. Her goal is to gain the power that she perceives or fears that the AMI has in their relationship.
3.Make sarcastic comments about the MIL.These sarcastic comments are made in the presence of other family members, including grandchildren. Things like making fun of her, putting her down as a mother or grandmother (among other comments) are done whether or not her MIL is present. As you can imagine, this takes away from the integrity of the MIL in the family. This is especially damaging when the grandchildren are within earshot.
Why do daughters-in-law harass?
People who harass, in this case an IDD who harass, do so because they are immature, insecure, have low self-esteem, and want to feel powerful or important. And because she doesn’t know how to feel important or powerful in any other way, she stalks. She perceives or fears that the FAMILY is more important and/or has a higher status in the family than her. She feels that she needs to take this MIL status away from her. She bullies because she wants everyone, but particularly the MIL, to know the importance of her place in this new family. Or, perhaps more importantly, she wants to take any power or importance. farof the MIL.
What can a mother-in-law do?
Unlike the bullying that occurs between children and adolescents, a DDI who harasses his MIL is really involving the whole family. And this is where things get complicated. As a general rule, the family dynamic is set up in such a way that no one deals directly with the problem of bullying. The MIL (and their side of the family) are afraid to do or say anything for fear of retaliation; the DDI’s husband doesn’t see it, doesn’t want to see it, or doesn’t know what to do when she sees it; the family side of the DIL is in collusion knowingly or not, or they are also afraid of him.
If the MIL speaks to his son, he puts him in the middle and many times he gets angry with shebecause he doesn’t know what to do either, and he doesn’t want to create problems at home. If the MIL gets angry and expresses her frustration to her DIL, it only makes the situation worse, as this gives the MIL the ammunition she needs to justify her actions. However, if keeping the peace means doing nothing, then that’s not the answer either. So what’s a MIL to do?
A MIL can:
Recognize the characteristics of your DIL that is harassing you: immature, insecure, low self-esteem, and a feeling of powerlessness or unimportance.
With these things in mind: know that a DIL will often tie her actions (controlling/bullying behavior) to some situation with you or something you did specifically to cause her to take this action. (Remember, the DIL most likely does not recognize the features described above as part of itself.)
ยท Find the reason behind DIL’s bullying response; In other words, what does she think you have done or said to justify her acting this way?
(Please note that her justification may or may not be based on something that is true/accurate. This does not matter. What matters is that this is her perception. His perception is your starting point.)
Once you know what the catalyst is, you will be in a position to start turning your situation around with your DIL, without getting defensive, explaining, or justifying yourself in the hope that your DIL will see your point of view.
Sometimes a DIL is not even willing to talk to their MIL. I suggest that the MIL initially write “thank you” letters to their DIL (I write about this in my book, reluctantly related). This starts to open the door a bit and then you can start the process I described above.
The key is to realize that your DIL wants to feel like they matter and that they are an important person in the family. She wants to be recognized for her new position with her husband.