sadness walks with me
Pain is our soul’s way of expressing need. This raw emotion is complex and simple at the same time. Simple because it is innate and human. Everyone will experience it at some point in their life. Pain becomes complex when it burrows deep into our heart and soul, changing who we were and challenging us to emerge as someone different. It can be the “beast” or a blessing. However, we rarely talk about sorrow and pain. We treat it privately and personally, as if only we could own it.
Pain creeps into our lives when a loved one dies. We recognize the all-encompassing emotion before and after the funeral. It speaks of the dramatic life change that awaits us and shatters our security in the world we once knew. We fear his tenacious grip and shudder at his humility. Instinctively, we know, pain can be a destructive force if we allow it to be our companion for too long; and ignoring the pain will only create more problems. Therein lies the dilemma… how can we go beyond the pain to find the peace and joy that empower us and lead us to transformative destinies?
The importance of pain
Even when we have sadness, we can still have a ray of hope. Our lives are a series of events. We have layer upon layer of experiences. Some repeated, but all contribute to making us who we are. These layers are a composite of our challenges, our achievements, our disappointments, our successes, and our failures. Each forms the basis of the “wisdom” that comes with time and lived life. We can look at our past and recognize that we have been through other changes.
Looking back, Gary and I recognize how much we have been changed by significant loss experiences. And though we have been involved in grievance education and support for nearly 2 decades, grief still finds a way to impact us. It is comforting to help others during those first difficult months and years. It reminds us of the path we once walked and how far we have come. In our groups, we bond with others who are suffering. And when one of us suffers, we all suffer together. Sadness walks with me.
Some people come to our groups with deep regret and high hopes of finding something magical that will erase the pain and return them to the “old self.” Although this is not likely to happen in such a short time, what they do find is hope in the stories of others. Grief is part of the grieving process that requires accepting the pain and learning to live with it. Shakespeare says: “Give him words of sorrow.” When we talk about our pain, we begin to heal the pain and ease the burden we carry with us. Such camaraderie in groups allows us to recognize that we are not alone.
With pain come tears. Tears tell a story that words cannot describe. Tears do not cure pain, but they start the process that helps us heal pain. Tears help us express our emotions, tears come and go, usually at the most inconvenient times! A fleeting memory, a moving song, a familiar face can provoke the appearance of emotions not forgotten, but bravely repressed. I find courage in the tears that say we have not grown bitter with the world; intolerable to others; insensitive to misfortune; or oblivious to human suffering. Tears are small blessings of cherished moments, treasured memories, and tokens of unconditional love.
Sadness have to walk with each of us for a period of time in grievance. It is the price we pay for love. It pays homage to a relationship that has nourished our soul and lightened our spirit. It means that the battle has begun and has not yet been won.
A cure for the pain?
We are often asked this familiar question: “How long before I get over my complaint and can stop crying?” I don’t think there is a time limit for expressing emotions through tears. Gary and I still find moments of tears and outbursts of sadness.
There is an old Chinese tale about a woman whose only son died. To her aggravation, she turned to the holy man and said, “What prayers, what magical incantations do you have to bring my son back to life?”
Instead of firing her or reasoning with her, he said, “Bring me a mustard seed from a home that has never known pain. We will use it to take the pain out of your life.” The woman immediately set off in search of that magical mustard seed.
He first came to a splendid mansion, knocked on the door and said, “I am looking for a home that has never known pain. Is this such a place? It is very important to me.” They told him, “You have certainly come to the wrong place,” and began to describe all the tragic things that had happened to them recently.
The woman said to herself: “Who can better help these poor unfortunate people than I, who have had my own misfortune?” She stayed to comfort them, then she continued to search for a home that she had never known pain. But wherever she looked, in slums and elsewhere, she found story after story of sadness and misfortune. She became so involved in ministering to other people’s grievances that she eventually forgot about her quest for the magical mustard seed, not realizing that she had, in fact, removed pain from her life.
Each of us who walk this journey through pain comes to a fork in the road. A fork where you must decide: Will I heal my grievance? Or will I forever be angry, bitter, and miserable over my loss?
If we choose to knock on the doors of our neighbors, our co-workers, and our friends, it is unlikely that we can bring back a mustard seed from a home that has not known pain. Grief thrives in various guises, including divorce, physical illness, family dysfunction, job stress, and personal emptiness.
How to heal the pain
There is a valuable lesson in this tall tale, one that speaks to each of us as a way to heal our own pain. The best cure for pain is to recognize and seek out someone who has a greater cause for pain than you. By sharing their burden, listening to their story, or helping them face their pain, you can discover peace and overcome the misery you are experiencing.
How do we do this? They all have a story. Many stories lead to life changes and transformed lives. Ask. Listen. Then give your own words of sadness.
Healing your grievance and grief involves validating your true feelings. You run the risk of remembering sad moments in your life, moments that you may not have honored until now. You run the risk of feeling deeply moved, understanding the need for compassion, and facing the fact that you care deeply about the loss you have experienced. You can cry. You can laugh. You can even get angry, because it hurts when you feel that life has treated you unfairly. You may want to hold on to your past, but recognize that there is no future there. You can think of things that you have never thought of before. You can evaluate your life today and rethink your future. You will know what it means to love and to have been loved. Pain teaches us the ultimate lessons of life.
Although she (the pain) can walk with you; she does not need to become his constant companion. She will take you to the fork in the road where it will be your choice to be bitter or better. Which one will you choose?