Good exploded heart? Kidnapped by your virtues

One day I saw a man coming towards me down the street followed by his dog. The dog was behaving in a very eccentric manner, weaving in zigzags right behind him as he walked. As they passed me and I looked back, I saw the dog, which was of a herding breed, systematically lunged towards the leg of the man who was momentarily at the rear. Clearly used to his dog’s attempts to herd him, the man walked calmly forward.

• In a natural situation where the dog had been trying to lead a sheep in a particular direction, the sheep would reflexively run in the direction away from the dog. By always approaching from the opposite angle, the dog could lead the sheep in the direction the shepherd wanted it to go.

Lead others causing fear

Variations of this orientation and direction behavior are very common in human interactions. In its most negative form, we generate a fear or threat in some domain, so that a person will flee physically or behaviorally in the other direction.

• If I scare my children with stories of abduction by strangers, my children will be extremely careful … even phobic … with strangers and will stay close to home. I can manage their behavior by provoking their fears.

A more benign example …

Pride can lead a person to face a fear running towards him. We call this “counterphobic behavior.”

• When this is done in the name of mastery and fear is reduced by exposure and familiarity, this can be very healthy.

• But when someone insists on doing something, keep going being scared … but unable to stop due to internal or external shame, this can create enormous psychic tension and is not really healthy or helpful at all.

Interestingly, we can be driven in the same thoughtful way by our virtues as by our fears.

What is a virtue?

A virtue is an internal decision to prioritize performance in a certain value-driven way.

• Deciding in advance on a behavioral principle is psychologically useful because it gives us a ready position in situations where we could otherwise spend a lot of time debating individual instances.

• Many times virtues such as modesty, studies or hard work help us to stay aligned with the values ​​of our group or culture,

Interior guidance system.

We carry within us the values ​​and principles that we have experienced or have been taught by important people and institutions.

At its best, values ​​are freely endorsed, self-reliant, and self-regulating. A psychologically healthy individual knows:

• when to stop being generous and stick with something appropriate for them.

• when to draw a line between offering your time to help someone and being exploited …

• how to navigate between being patient with a friend and talking about boundaries that have been inappropriately crossed.

A psychologically self-regulating person can tell the difference between giving someone a hand and doing it for them.

• If you always “virtuously” tie your child’s shoes, he will never learn to do it himself … and an infinite number of variations on that theme.

Virtue or identity?

As we come to identify with our virtues and principles, it can be very destabilizing for these parts of our identity to be questioned or attacked.

For example, for a person who believes in generosity and selflessness, the accusation that he is acting “selfishly” can be absolutely intolerable.

• This is often a problem for women who have generally been raised to be nice. Many women, when suggested that they are being selfish, will redouble their efforts of accommodation and generosity to show others (and reassure themselves) that their virtue-identity remains strong. When this exceeds the limits of reasonable effort or generosity, we can say, “They took advantage of your good heart.”

• Men who reflexively value courage can be provoked to take irrational risks.

• Individuals who overvalue stoicism can be led to tolerate what they should never tolerate.

Danger! Driven by your virtues instead of exercising them freely …

When a person reflexively reacts to any doubt about his virtue by jumping up to show it, he is acting like the sheep being led by the sheepdog. It becomes very easy for others to begin consciously or unconsciously to selectively conduct their behavior by expressing doubts or making accusations.

• If a child accidentally discovers what to say to their parent, “You don’t love me,” most of the time it leads their parents to offer extra solicitous care, give in to a demand, or give an extra special gift as a reflex “proof” of his love, it is only the unusual child who will not learn to “guide” his parents with that accusation.

• The situation works just as well in reverse … and there are many adult children who are forced to do whatever they can to please their parents in order to counter or avoid an accusation of “ingrates.”

Unconscious compensation?

Why is this reflex so easily activated and therefore exploded?

Usually because we all secretly know how tempting it is to do the opposite … to be lazy instead of hardworking, selfish instead of generous, careless instead of orderly. Most of us are aware that we are in an almost constant battle to live up to our highest values ​​and each of us knows every time (even when others don’t see) where we have failed in small and large ways.

• So we all know that to some extent the accusation of our lack of virtue has some truth … and in the face of the accusation we redouble our efforts to show our virtue.

Appropriately resentful!

Unfortunately, since virtues are meant to be inward-driven, self-reliant, and self-limited, having them challenged and reacting reflexively in response can quickly lead to inappropriate or excessive behaviors.

• The result is a build-up of resentment and a feeling of having been manipulated or exploited.

True to your own path?

So what is the best way to handle the attempts of others to mislead you by attacking your virtues?

• Recognizing the inner solidity of virtue, assessing your own direction and listening to your own inner guidance system

• Believing that although you may occasionally go wrong, your value system will actually guide you without external supervision and without manipulation by others.

Like the man whose dog chased one leg first than the other, it is possible to keep your own course despite the attempts of the people around you to sway you and make you jump in one direction or another..