The Art of ‘CAREfronting’ Difficult Co-workers

There comes a day in every business professional’s career when he feels the need to abandon the good manners his mom taught him and tell his difficult co-worker where to put him.

For me, this was one of those days.

My colleague, let’s call him “Tough Billy”, was operating the camera while I was interviewing the organizers of an art gallery for a television segment. Since I was new to production at the time, my manager asked Billy for advice on how to film on the road as well. But the Difficult one took it too far, trying to punish me in front of the interviewees, making me look incompetent.

I was burning with anger. However, I knew that retaliating would only weaken my position and make me look unprofessional. Then I remembered the art of CAREfronting.

CAREfronting is the delicate method of disciplining the aggressor without attacking or insulting him. Unlike confrontation, which often results in more frustration and anger, this technique is a much healthier way to deal with difficult relationships. It puts you in a calm state of mind and allows you to handle people who taste with grace.

Billy and I have not become best friends as a result of this technique, but we have amended our working relationship to make it more positive and productive. Try the following steps the next time you are faced with a difficult colleague.

Conscious breathing – Your emotions are most likely intense, so it is best to remove yourself from the situation and practice mindful breathing until you have reached a calm state. Watching your breath helps you regain your balance, making it less likely that you will say or do anything you regret. A good practice is to express the emotion you feel while breathing. For example, “As I inhale, I am aware that I am angry; as I exhale, I am aware that I am angry.” “As I inhale, my anger is gone; as I exhale, my anger is gone.”

Tell your offender how you feel – It is better to do this step away from other people. Take your coworker aside and let him know how his actions made you feel. Don’t blame or accuse them, as this will likely put them on the defensive. Sometimes the offender honestly doesn’t know how his actions might have affected him. Try this: “James, I realize I made a mistake, but the way you spoke to me felt condescending and rude. I didn’t appreciate it.”

Flip the script – One of the most effective methods of making a co-worker realize how offensive his actions were is to “change the script”; that is, put them on your shoes. Ask them how they would feel if they were given the same treatment; they probably won’t appreciate it.

Indicate the conditions – Your coworker has likely apologized at this point, but it’s still important to define the parameters of your relationship going forward. Let that person know that in order for the two of you to have a healthy and productive working relationship in the future, he or she must never behave that way again.

Forgive – This advice is rarely given in business communications, and yet the ability to forgive is just as important with your co-workers as it is with your spouse. Forgiveness releases your mental and emotional energy so you can refocus on your goals. An energy-free statement of forgiveness might sound like this: “I forgive James for what he said to me, and I let go of all the resentment I had towards him. I wish him the best in all his future endeavors.” Say this to yourself in a low voice. (Note: you may need to repeat this step a few times to be completely free from resentment.)

-By Ryan Jackson