Miscarriage: Understanding Your Veil of Silence
Many of us have had a relative, friend, or even an acquaintance suffer a miscarriage. Clumsily, however, have you fumbled for the right words of comfort to give your condolences to the victim? I’ve got. While trying to respect the person’s privacy, you say a few words and the conversation ends in awkward silence. As an outside observer, do we really understand the pain and suffering of the person or couple who has just experienced the loss of their child through miscarriage? Do we understand why they may choose to say very little? There are painful reasons for his silence.
As friends or relatives, we must understand that the mother has suffered horrific trauma to her body. In many cases, the fetus or baby has been dead for several days before the mother realizes exactly what happened. The mother may experience a wide variety of symptoms, including severe abdominal pain, cramps, nausea, sweating, weakness, and diarrhea. Symptoms can start before and continue after the baby is delivered. Even if a mother undergoes a D&C (D&C) procedure to remove the dead baby, she may still feel physically exhausted for a period of time afterwards. Understanding such physical limitations should help others not make undue physical demands on you.
As a result of their tragedy, there is additional emotional stress that the mother and father cannot escape. Her dreams of a handsome son or a beautiful daughter have disappeared. Physical pain will heal; but it is the emotional pain that endures. For some, it can be too painful at this time to talk to someone outside of the immediate family about what they are feeling. It would be unwise to press a couple about the details of the miscarriage. As time passes and healing takes place, the mother or father may choose to talk about the loss. Professional complaints advice can be very helpful in this regard.
Just reading excerpts from forums and message boards of women who have experienced miscarriages, it is clear that many women are not prepared to deal with the physical aspects, emotional feelings, or medical process and procedures that they are suddenly forced into. There are countless books, articles, and classes to guide mothers through normal labor. Perhaps additional education for expecting mothers, especially first time pregnancies, should include the negative possibilities, signs and symptoms of possible miscarriage. Parents should also be educated to recognize possible problems in the pregnancy. According to American Pregnancy, http://www.americanpregnancy.org/main/statistics.html, 10-25% of all clinically recognized pregnancies will end in miscarriage, resulting in approximately 600,000 miscarriages per year . Of course, that number could be higher if you include unreported pregnancies that ended in miscarriage. Miscarriage is a common reality and should be discussed openly and frankly with the woman’s doctor.
No doubt, you may have already met someone who has had a miscarriage or may unexpectedly be talking to someone about it in the near future. Amazingly, I have personally known four different families in the last two years who have suffered a miscarriage. So compassionately continue to stand in solidarity and comfort those who have lost a child to miscarriage. Be a good listener, don’t ask too many questions. The mother and/or father may choose to share more details with you at a later date when they are ready. However, they may not. However, you can certainly understand why they might choose the “shroud of silence.”