Six Repair Tools for Your Marriage
Rudy and Marjorie were on the brink of divorce. Married for 12 years, they had constant verbal battles that ended in what therapists call emotional disengagement, meaning they just ignored each other for days.
Emotionally, they were boiling inside and also alone for each other, but they couldn’t communicate and communicate these feelings. They were in a “cold war” and both waited for the other to take the first step in melting the icy atmosphere.
This couple suffers from a common marital disease: the lack of skills to repair the emotional damage they have done to each other. According to marital research, almost all couples fight; What often separates the “masters” of marriage from the “disasters” of marriage is the ability to repair the ensuing damage.
Acquiring good repair skills gives the couple a way to recover from any mistakes they may have made. These repair abilities provide a “fix” for the damage caused by trying to communicate with each other in a way that caused emotional harm to one or both of them.
It is common for partners to make mistakes in relationships; After all, anyone can have a bad day, be under too much stress, or just use poor judgment when dealing with a situation. Instead of emotionally disconnecting from each other or staying angry, try to “fix it” if you are the bully.
And if you’re on the receiving end of the damage, your challenge is to find a way to accept your partner’s attempt at repair—that is, view your partner’s attempt at repair as an effort to make things better.
MENDING TOOL Tool #1: Apologize
A simple heartfelt sincere apology can sometimes do wonders in a relationship, especially if your partner sees you as a person who never admits they are wrong or at fault.
Say things like: I’m sorry; I apologize, what I did was really stupid; I don’t know what happened to me.
MEND Tool #2–trust feelings.
Be honest and share the feelings that underlie your anger, such as fear, shame, or insecurity. Your partner may respond to you quite differently if they see those other emotions, rather than just anger. Trusting what is in your heart and mind can make a world of difference in promoting understanding, closeness, and intimacy.
Say things like:I was very afraid for our daughter when I got so angry, I didn’t want to hurt you; I just lost my cool.
REPAIR TOOL #3–acknowledge the partner’s point of view.
This doesn’t mean you have to agree to it; just acknowledging it can lessen tension and conflict because it shows your partner that you are at least listening. It also demonstrates empathy: the ability to see things from their point of view instead of just yours.
Say things like: I can see what you mean; I never considered it that way.
MENDING TOOL #4: Accept some responsibility for the conflict.
Very few conflicts are 100% the fault of either partner. Instead, most conflicts are like a dance where you both make moves to contribute to the problem. The inability to accept any responsibility is a sign of defensiveness rather than the openness required for good communication.
Say things like:I shouldn’t have done what I did; I guess we both messed up; I can understand why you reacted to me that way.
REPAIR TOOL #5 – Find common ground.
Focus on the issue at hand and what you have in common rather than your differences. For example, you might both agree that raising healthy children is a common goal, even though you differ in parenting styles.
Say things like: It seems we both have the same goal here; we disagree on the methods, but we both want the same result.
REPAIR TOOL #6: Commit to improving behavior.
“Sorry” doesn’t work if you continually repeat the offending behavior. Supporting words with action. Show concrete evidence that you will try to change.
Say things like:I promise to get up half an hour earlier from now on; I’ll call if I’m going to be late; I’ll just have two drinks at the party and then I’ll stop.